The Bar
by Maggie Moore
Summary: The first half of a new episode in the How I Met Your Mother story. Barney's been hiding feelings for Robin for awhile, and while he's been able to keep them in check for now, he finds his own resolve tested by a newcomer from another bar. Barney/Robin.
1. A Jerk Walks Into A Bar

Readers, there's something I should tell you about the average adult male: he's a jerk. I mean not all men are jerks of course, but every once in awhile you will find someone bad enough to even out all the good guys. That's usually what Marshall and I keep Barney around for, but this time… well, I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, it was a perfectly normal day and Lily, Marshall, Barney and I were sitting at our normal booth in MacLaren's.

"I met someone," Robin said as she dropped down next to Barney, a goofy smile on her face that will now forever remind me of going to the mall. Looks of interest formed around the table from all. That is, all except Barney, who instead choked on the Scotch he was in the middle of drinking.

"Really? Who?" He asked in a panicked tone. Robin turned to look at him and he cracked a smile. "I mean, who would be crazy enough to—I was just curious because—huh, you met someone? How uninteresting, hot girl, at the bar, gotta go." He pulled himself out of the booth and turned towards the bar, where he stood awkwardly for the next 10 minutes while waiting for a hot girl to show up.

Lily cleared her throat. "So who is this guy? Where did you meet him?"

"At a bar," Robin replied with a grin.

I nodded knowing, "At MacLaren's, well that's great! Is he a usual? Someone we know?"

Robin's grin stayed but her eyes lost their glee. "Um, I didn't say MacLaren's."

"Well, you said bar." Honestly, I can put two and two together. Bar, MacLaren's, done.

"Yea, it was, um, at a different bar. Lily, how was your day?"

Lily blinked as Marshall leaned forward. "You went to another bar?"

Robin's smile was becoming more and more forced as this went on. "Yea, I went to a different bar, is that such a big deal?"

Marshall straightened into his confident lawyer pose. "Let me get this straight, you went to a bar… a bar that was not MacLaren's?"

There was a gasp among the bar and everyone turned to look at our booth. Robin looked around desperately and her smile dropped. "Yes, I mean, no, I mean… I just had to use the bathroom."

"Ah," was the collective response and the normal buzz of the bar returned as everyone turned back to their drinks. Marshall, however, was unconvinced and he continued to give Robin the lawyer-eye.

"Come one, guys, this is New York City! You can't expect to only go to one bar for your entire life."

"Yes, you can." Marshall insisted. "This bar is like, our soul mate. Once you find your soul mate bar you don't go looking for another bar, just to see what it's like. No! You stick with your soul mate. You be good to her, like she's been good to you."

Robin laughed. "That is ridiculous."

"Is it?" I chimed in. "I mean, this bar has everything, it has great people, a great location, great alcohol, great…well, it has food. What more could you ask for?"

"I don't know, maybe there's something awesome that some other bar has that we don't know about because we've never left this one."

"Impossible," Marshall responded.

Robin scoffed. "How would you even know if you've never left MacLaren's?"

"We didn't always have this place," I responded. Robin looked at me and I let the silence last another moment, just to add suspense. "No, there was a time when we were out looking for our bar soul mate. Do you remember that time, Marshall?"

"I try not to, Ted."

"Robin," I leaned forward over the bar to emphasize what I was about to say, "what you need to understand is that not all bars in New York are like this one. It's a dark world out there and maybe it's time you knew about it."

Robin returned my knowing expression with a glare. "You're an idiot."

"He's right," the formerly silent Lily said quietly. She had begun to sink into the booth and was staring absentmindedly at her hands.

Marshall leaned toward her with concern. "Lily, you don't have to—"

"No." Lily took a deep breath and looked up at Marshall. "I do. Because I will not let Robin fall victim to the same thing that I did."

He held her gaze for a few moments, and his eyes went from determination to sad acceptance as he nodded. "You do what you gotta do, baby."

Lily nodded at looked at Robin, whose expression was growing exponentially more confused by the second. Exponentially, readers: it's a good word.

"There was this one time," Lily began, "before MacLaren's, when I went into a bar. I won't say where it was because I don't want to spike your curiosity but let's just say that it was right across from a Starbucks."

"Lily!" Marshall scolded.

"Marshall, she was going to find out one way or another! Anyway, I had been seeing this other bar for a long time but I was young and stupid and I got curious about what a new bar might look like. So I walked in on my own on a Saturday night and it was…" Lily took a deep breath and Marshall put his arm around her shoulders. "It was just disgusting. There were glasses all over the place, my shoes stuck to the floor, the bartended looked like he hadn't showered in years, and half the lights looked like they'd been shot out. But bad as that was, it was nothing compared to the people.

"There I was, minding my own business, horrified by the awfulness of this bar when some random guy walked up to me and said: 'Hey baby, want to make an easy 50 bucks?'"

"No!" Robin chimed in, a look of actual repulsion on her face. "Was he serious?"

"Well, I didn't think so at first, so I started laughing and he laughed, too, at first, for about a laugh or two and then he stopped and just stared at me until I stopped. That was when it got really awkward."

"What did you do?"

"I screamed, 'You couldn't buy this if you were Bill Gates' and ran away."

Robin shook her head. "That was weak, Lily."

"I know, but I was scared! And I don't think well on my feet. Anyway, I didn't even tell you the worst part." She looked at Robin and waited for a look of expectation. "He had a Jersey accent."

Marshall banged the table in anger and cursed. Actually, that might have been me.

"I don't know, Lily, that sounds pretty ridiculous. I'm sure not all the people in every other bar out there is like that guy."

"Au contraire, Scherbatsky," Barney said as he suddenly appeared back in the booth. "That is exactly what every other guy in every other bar is like."

"No, Barney, not you too?" Robin crossed her arms and slumped down. "I thought that at least you would be on my side."

Barney's head shot up to her look at her. "Really?" He shook his head violently, "No, I'm sorry, but it's true."

Robin sat up and turned to face him. "Alright how do you know?"

Barney grinned. "Because that's how I am in all other bars. And even here, do you ever see me hit on a regular? I mean, besides the waitress. And the brunette. And that girl with the double D's, I'm talking cup size and Daddy issues, what up?" Barney raised his hand and a passing regular fived him. "See? That is exactly what I'm talking about. Your bro bar—"

"Soul mate bar," Marshall interrupted.

"Your BRO bar," Barney continued, "is like… your clan of stranger bros. You don't mess with them, and all—well, some—rules of the Bro Code apply to them as Bros-by-bro-bar-association. So instead, you save all that abuse for whatever fresh meat walks in through that door." He nodded and raised his glass in a small toast to his own wisdom.

Robin let out a frustrated sigh. "Well, the guy I met wasn't a jerk—"

"Correction, he didn't seem to be a jerk," Barney chimed in.

"—and you'd all better get over this because he'll be here any minute."

Everyone around the table straightened up and tensed. "What, he's coming here?" I asked.

"Yes, he is," Robin answered. "And you're all going to be nice to him."

But before we had a chance to respond her, there he was. He was tall, tan, had dark brown hair, and was ridiculously muscular. I mean seriously, his muscles were growing other muscles. But what really burned me about him was that he seemed to be exactly Robin's type; the only thing he might've had too much of for her was teeth. Her smile showed the same thought as she stood up and put her arm through his.

"Guys," she said in a voice that seemed to have raised several pitches, "I want you to meet Jack."

Jack actually didn't turn out to be so bad. He was friendly, charming, and relatively smart considering his expected brains versus muscle ratio. So basically, I hated him a little bit, and I wasn't the only one.

"I hate that guy," Barney slammed the door to Lily and Marshall's apartment behind him.

"What? How could you already hate him?" Marshall shot back as he walked into the kitchen. "He seemed alright. I mean, I know he's from another bar, but maybe we were wrong."

"No!" Barney yelled back. "I am never wrong! I know this guy is a jerk, I can just feel it."

Lily dropped her purse on a chair and put her hand on Barney's arm. "Come on, Barney, don't you think you're overreacting?"

Barney shrugged off her hand. "I am not overreacting! He's got 'jackass' all over him, I can smell it on him like gonorrhea on a stripper." He straightened his tie and smiled. "Well, he can't hide from Barney Stinson. None of them can."

"Barney," the sound of my voice made him jump slightly as if he had forgotten we were still there, "what are you talking about?"

"Me? Nothing." He looked around idly. "Hey, so, there's this thing that I have to…" he started inching towards the door as the rest of us stood frozen and stared at him. "Very important and they called me specifically for…" his outstretched hand touched the doorknob. "Ok bye." And in one fluid motion he opened the door and was gone.

"Man, he's been acting weird lately," I observed. Marshall tossed me a beer and I crashed on the couch.

"Yea, I wonder what's got into him?"

I opened my can and took a drink. "I don't know, is there anything going on at work?"

"Naw, nothing out of 'the usual'." Marshall brought out the quote fingers.

"What's 'the usual'?" I reciprocated.

Marshall looked at me and shook his head. "Trust me man, you don't want to know. Not even I want to know, and I sort of know. But I don't even know, you know?"

I blinked at him. "Honestly, I don't."

Marshall nodded. "Exactly."

I sighed and put my beer down on the coffee table. "Ok, so nothing at work, what else is there?"

Marshall shrugged. "He doesn't seem to be out much. I mean, as much as usual."

I thought about this, and it made sense. "Yea, now that I think about it I haven't heard him bragging about any of his latest conquests lately. Well, I mean I have, but not as much as usual."

"Do you think it's about a girl?" Marshall asked as he leaned forward in his chair.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, maybe he's actually dating someone?"

I made a face. "What, like, an actual relationship?"

"Maybe!" Marshall replied excitedly.

"You are so naïve, Marshall."

"Marshall," Lily spoke up suddenly from behind me. "Can you help me in the bedroom for a minute?"

Getting the point, I stood up. "Alright, I guess it's time for me to head out."

"Ted, you don't have to," Lily tried to reassure me. "It'll really only take a minute."

I looked at Marshall who looked away and turned red. "That's not true."

"Right, I've gotta go anyway."

The door closed behind me and Marshall turned to Lily. "What's wrong?"

Lily was ringing her own hands and staring at the floorboards. "Marshall there's something I'm going to tell you that I really shouldn't tell you but I just can't keep it to myself anymore."

Marshall started backing away. "Oooooh no you don't. Not another one of your secrets, Lily, my brain will explode." Lily looked up and opened her mouth to speak but Marshall threw his hands over his ears and held his head in a vice grip. "La la la la la la la…" Lily jumped onto his back and Marshall starting running around the living room trying to shake her off. It looked promising for him, until he stubbed his toe on the table. His hands flew down to his foot, "AAAAAH—"

"—Barney's in love with Robin!"

"Damnit, Lily!" He collapsed on the couch in defeat, and then immediately sprang back up. "Wait, what?!"

Lily was standing in front of him, nodding with her hands on her hips. "Yea."

They stared at each other in silence for half a minute. "How long have you known?"

"Five months."

Marshall suddenly stepped forward and embraced Lily. "Oh, baby."

She nodded into his chest and started crying. "I know."

"To go that long without saying something that big?" He stroked her hair and shook his fists at all the evil in the world.

"I know!"

Marshall put his hands on her shoulders and stepped back to regain eye contact. "But, do you think he's serious? Does he really have feelings for Robin? Because I personally wasn't sold on the whole idea of him having feelings to begin with."

Lily hit his arm. "Hey! Don't be mean. And yes, I'm sure."

"Maybe he's just trying to hook up with her again and he's using you as an accessory, I'll kill him." Marshall started for the door; Lily grabbed his arm just in time.

"No, Marshall, he's not lying. He really does have feelings for her." She collapsed on the couch, still feeling weighed down even though she was now sharing the burden. "It's been terrible! Every time Ted came in to brag about sleeping casually with Robin, Barney would disappear into the alley for 20 minutes and come back with shattered glass on his shoe. I'm not quite sure what he was doing, but I'm sure it wasn't good for the innocent glass products involved."

Marshall sat down next to her and leaned forward in thought. "Man, I didn't even notice anything."

Lily nodded. "He's very good."

"And Robin?" Marshall asked hopefully.

Lily shrugged. "No idea. I've never brought it up."

The doorknob rattled and they both shot up to greet me as I walked back in. There was a pause and I eventually raised my hand in that dumb way everyone always does when they think they'll make more sense by doing so. "I think I left my phone here."

"Right!" Lily exclaimed as she ran off to the kitchen. "I'll go look for it!"

"Have you checked your pocket?" Marshall countered.

I put my hand against my pockets: front left, front right, "No, I don't think," back left, "got it." I pulled it out and saluted Marshall with it. "Right every time."

Marshall laughed nervously. "Yea." There was a slight pause that filled the room with tension. "Ted, Barney's in l—"

Somehow Lily had flown from the kitchen and was suddenly standing next to Marshall, who was cursing and holding his foot. "Alright, well we'll see you Ted," she said in with a winning, if not slightly terrifying, smile.

Too mesmerized by Lily's speed to recall the words that had already left Marshall's mouth, I simply nodded, stared at Marshall for another second, muttered a goodbye, and left.

----------

The next day, we all found ourselves once again sitting at our booth in MacLaren's. That is, Lily, Marshall, Robin, Jack and I found ourselves sitting at our booth in MacLaren's.

"And so I ran in there, kicked down the door of the his room and carried him out."

Robin gasped. "Weren't you scared?"

"Oh, sure, I was terrified. But the first thing that you have to learn as a firefighter is that it isn't about you or your fear, it's about the victims and their safety. That's all that matters." Jack took a deep gulp of his beer as he finished his grand story about his first momentous save as a firefighter, an fact that Robin had brought up often since our first meeting with him. It was pretty awesome at first, meeting a real firefighter, but we were all starting to get a little tired of hearing about it.

"Wow," Marshall said as he gazed into Jack's steely blue eyes, his head resting carelessly in his hand. "You're like… the Han Solo of firefighters."

"Dude, seriously?" I looked at Marshall in disbelief. "Solo? A firefighter? How does that end well?"

"Um, he saved Leia. Duh."

"Yea, for money." I raised my eyebrows to indicate a serious argument blow.

Marshall sat up to increase his argument damage power. "He saved Luke when he was destroying the Death Star!"

"Ok maybe, but do you seriously see him facing a building that's entirely on fire and saying to himself 'Wow, I'm going to run into that highly dangerous building and pull out a bunch of people I don't know with absolutely no gain to myself!'?"

Marshall opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound escaped it. He slumped dejected into the booth and crossed his arms. "No."

I nodded and smirked. "That's what I thought."

Marshall sighed. "Sorry, I was just trying to think of the most awesome thing I could and that was the first thing that came to mind."

"Completely understandable," I responded as reassuringly as I could.

Jack laughed in a way that was less to show appreciation for our wit and more to bring attention back to himself. He then cleared his throat, just to make sure. "Well, it's be swell guys, but I've got to get back to the station."

Robin's dorky grin disappeared for the first time since they'd both arrived. "Really?" She stood up sadly as he did.

He smiled at her and winked. "Don't worry, babe, I'll see _you_ tonight."

Robin gave him her smile's matching snort. "'Kay."

He turned to point at us. "See you guys later."

Robin watched him leave and turned back to us. "Wow," she said with a smile. "Isn't he amazing?"

Lily let out a barely audible snort. "He sure is something. So, tonight's the hot first official date?"

Robin nodded. "It's going to be awesome, he's taking me to a really nice place."

"And then you take him out for dessert?" I elbowed her as I left the lone chair for the empty spot on the booth.

"Ha, ha," she responded mockingly. "And actually, no."

We all looked at her, our surprise not well hidden at all.

Robin scoffed. "What? Oh come on guys, give me a little more credit than that."

"Well, you did sleep with a someone for the sole reason that he was naked," Marshall muttered into his glass.

"You have got to get over that," Robin snapped back.

"But Robin, I thought you really liked this guy," Lily cut in as she threw a look at Marshall. "Are you… having second thoughts?" The question ended with an almost hopeful lift.

"No, not second thoughts. I just don't want to mess this up by rushing into anything."

There was collected skeptical coughing around the table. And Robin looked around again indignantly for an explanation.

"Look, Robin," I started delicately, "we've heard that before. It's become cliché."

"Yea, because you say it all the time."

"Point taken, but then I usually actually hold off."

"Oh yea, right."

"What are you implying?"

"That you—look nevermind, that's not the point. The point is that I actually don't want to mess this up. And he understands."

"You've talked about it?" Lily asked.

"Well, yea, and he's fine with it because he's such a great guy."

----------

"Jack is a jerk," Barney declared as I entered my apartment later that night. "And not just any jerk, but jerk with a capital J-A-C-K-A-S-S."

I closed the door slowly behind me and dropped my coat. "Hi, Barney, nice to see you."

"Sexual assault," he declared as he walked confidently forward and dropped a folder on the table in front of me. "Six counts within the past 3 years."

I stared at the folder before picking it up and nervously glancing through the first few pages. "Oh my god, Barney, social security number, credit card accounts, bank statements, where did you get this information?"

"Ted, please." Barney took the folder out of my hands and opened it to a bookmarked page. "Here: one, two, three, four, five, six. I even let that one dropped case from last January slip, so that's only counting convictions."

"Barney! You're insane! How did you possibly—" And then I actually looked up and saw Barney close up. His hair was disheveled, there were bags under his eyes, and he smelled of caffeine and alcohol, even more so than usual. He was wearing a suit, but it was wrinkled and his tie was gone. It also looked suspiciously similar to the one he was wearing yesterday. "Did you go to sleep last night?"

Barney let out a sharp laugh. "Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how long it takes to get this much information on someone? Of course you don't! But I did, so I knew what I had to do." He closed the folder and looked back up at me. "So, are you coming?"

"What? What are you talking about, coming where?"

"Ted, Ted, Ted," he continued pointed back and forth until I, disgruntled, met his eyes. "Did you hear a word I said? We're going to go tell Jack the Ripper to stay away from Robin, now suit up."

"Why?"

Barney blinked at me. "Because you can't expect to make a convincing argument wearing jeans, now come on!"

"No, Barney," I grabbed his arm as he once again made for the door. "Not why to the suit—although I was wondering that too—but why do you think this is a good idea? Your information probably isn't right, and even if it was, Robin would never forgive you if you go to try and scare her date off. She's pretty excited about it. And besides, isn't this a bit far to go to try and get her to hook up with you again?"

Barney held my gaze for what seemed like hours while a dangerous silence passed between us. Slowly, he straightened, inhaled deeply, and collected all of the invisible self-respect he could muster; it was surprisingly effective considering the rest of his appearance. "I see. Well, if that's the way you feel about, I'll just go on my own." He pulled his arm free of my grasp and again made for the door, but he stopped short and turned back around. "You know what, Ted, you can doubt my morals, you can doubt my methods. You can doubt the information I gather and how I gather it, you can doubt the way I treat every random girl I meet in a bar, you can even doubt the way I dress, yes you can doubt the very suit that makes me who I am but don't you _ever_ doubt my intentions towards Robin." His mouth opened like he was going to say more but he decided against it and instead waved me off, grabbed the doorknob, and slammed it on his way out.

----------

Upon arriving at Jack's apartment, Barney was all ready to knock on the door, tell the guy that he was onto him and to stay away from Robin. On his way over he'd rehearsed infuriated speeches in his head and was preparing himself for the response. Since it was likely that he'd get a bit roughed up, he decided to stay long enough to get a good scar out of it and then run away. With this and the image of Robin's face when she saw said scar in his mind, he found himself standing in front of the apartment door that, according to his always flawless research, stood between him and his nemesis. He raised his hand with a smile and was ready to knock when he heard a familiar voice inside.

It was Robin, and she sounded happy. In fact, she was laughing. He felt silently against the door and pressed his ear against the wood to listen as Robin and her date shared a pleasant conversation on the other side. He subjected himself to this torture for a few more minutes before he stepped away from the door to stare at his feet. Suddenly, he saw himself as I did a few minutes earlier: disheveled, unshaven, unkept, and—his own addition to the string of adjectives—pathetic. What was he thinking? Robin didn't want his help, she could take care of herself, and, besides, the muscles on that guy? I mean seriously. He took another sad look at the door, and then turned his back to it, ready to walk down the hallway and back to his empty apartment to shower and shave, but most definitely not sleep.

He made it about halfway down the corridor before hearing something that immediately sparked his interest. Unsure if he was imagining it, he ran back and pressed his ear against the door.

"Jack, seriously, stop it!" Robin let out a scream of shock that sent knives down Barney's back.

You see, on the other side of the door the scene was a little different than Barney had first thought. Robin's earlier laugh was not out of joy but awkwardness as she continued to try and turn down Jack's advances, explaining how she didn't want to rush into anything. He seemed alright with it earlier that night, and invited her to his place to have a beer or two to finish off the night to avoid, as he said, having to choose whose regular bar they would visit (seriously, readers, stay loyal to your bars). Robin agreed and they ended up there, sharing a beer on the couch as they flirted what Robin thought was playfully at first but was getting more and more forward.

"I've got a pretty sweet bear rug in my bedroom, do you want to check it out?" Jack had asked after some innocent conversation about whether or not Dalmatians are the best dogs to have in an emergency situation.

Robin laughed awkwardly. "Tempting as that is, I'll have to save that for later."

Things continued in this way until Robin suddenly found herself under the weight of a full-sized firefighter. Not knowing a more appropriate response, she screamed, then the rest of it she says was a blur of the words 'stop' and 'no' with a few attempted punched thrown in there.

Now, readers, I know it all might seem a little hard to believe, but this is how Barney swears it happens. Upon hearing the second scream, a little thing Barney named 'the rage' came over him, and without a moment's pause for thought he kicked in the door, ran into the apartment, grabbed the first heavy object he could find, and hit Jack in the head with it.

Under normal circumstances, that might have been enough to disarm the man who was currently tearing at Robin's shirt, but all it seemed to do for this guy was give him a slight headache. Barney claims to have pulled him up off of Robin by the collar, though I think that's a bit of a stretch, and prepared himself to take the jerk face-on. Sure, he stood a full head and a half taller than Barney, but Barney was filled with a thing called Stupid Determination, and the delusion that he might just walk away with his life.

Robin, surprised but relieved to find the massive weight off of her and with everything she was wearing still intact, looked up to see what caused this sudden change. "Barney?!" she exclaimed in disbelief when she saw the blonde hair and signs of a suit standing on the other side of her aggressor.

Barney looked over at her, winked, and then suffered a blow to the head that knocked him straight to the floor, hitting the coffee table on his way down. Jack grabbed him and pulled him back up to punch him in the stomach, and then back up again into a chokehold. And they probably would have continued in this fashion for some time, Jack had already mentioned earlier that he could go all night, if it hadn't been for the damsel in distress.

"STOP!" Both the men looked up, as best they each could, to see Robin standing across the room holding her gun in one outstretched hand and her purse in another.

Barney grinned and let out a laugh, which earned him a knee in the back.

"Let him go or I'll shoot," Robin said in a matter-of-fact tone.

This time it was Jack who laughed. "I don't know, baby, we're a full three feet away, do you think you can aim that far? Is the safety still on? Do you even know how to hold that thing, or is it just a toy that daddy bought you?"

Robin cocked the gun. "I'm Canadian."

And with Lily-like speed, Barney was released to the floor and Jack had fled his own apartment.

And that's the story of how Barney got that scar just above his ear. Oh, and of how Marshall broke his toe.


	2. I Made A Huge Mistake

Readers, in the Spring of 2009 Barney got into a fight. Not surprisingly, it was over a girl, and also not surprisingly, he lost. Miserably. Or at least he would have, had it not been for Robin.

"Barney, what the hell are you doing here?" Robin asked as she threw her gun back into her purse.

Barney winced from a pain in his side provoked by sitting up. "Apparently saving you from assault. You're welcome, btw."

Robin laughed. "Yea, you were doing a great job of that." She looked over at Barney. "You're bleeding."

Barney had pulled himself up on the couch and looked back at her. "What? No I'm not." He went to adjust his tie and then remembered he wasn't wearing one. Man, he was a mess.

Robin walked over to him. "Yes, you are," she sat down on the couch and touched her finger to his temple to collect a drop of blood as it made its way down towards his ear. She showed it to Barney. "See?"

Barney looked at it and laughed. "Oh, Robin. Dear, naïve, Canadian Robin, that isn't blood."

"No?"

"Of course not. It is obviously excess awesome leaking out of my body."

Robin tried to give Barney a stern look but couldn't stop herself from laughing.

Barney smiled. "You don't believe me, do you? You see whenever I do something excessively awesome, my body has to get rid of the extra awesome that it produces. It's basic science, Sherbatsky."

"Alright, fine, it's awesome, now let's get out of here." Robin stood up and held her hand out to Barney. He attempted to take it and stand up but only made it halfway before screaming in pain and collapsing back on the couch. Robin sighed. "Ok fine, you big baby." She leaned over and put her arm around his back to help him up.

Barney leaned into her shoulder for support. "Hey, be nice to me. I saved you from that jerk."

Robin scoffed. "No, you distracted the jerk. I saved you."

"Well that's your version of the story." Barney retorted as they started shuffling towards the door.

"So what really happened is my version?"

"Call it what you will." Barney tripped and Robin tightened her grip on his side, causing him to emit another yelp.

Robin stopped walking and looked at Barney's face as it twisted in pain. "Wow, he got you pretty good huh?"

Barney simply held his side and nodded. There was a little whimper in there, too.

"Barney?" Barney looked over at Robin and was surprised to realize that she had leaned in to kiss him, and before he could comprehend what was happening it was over. "Thank you," Robin said as Barney reluctantly opened his eyes.

He smiled, nodded, and looked away. "Worth it," he said under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Let's get out of here."

----------

Meanwhile, Marshall, Lily, and I were out at MacLaren's, discussing the experience I'd had with Barney earlier that evening.

"How much information did he have?" Lily demanded.

"I don't know, everything. Credit card info, addresses, medical records—"

Marshall stood up. "Ok, I can't hear this, I'm getting the next round." He walked off to the bar.

As Marshall walked off and sighed, Lily stared at the table and shook her head sadly. "He's really got it bad."

I nodded solemnly. "Yea, seriously."

Lily perked up and leaned forward. "Wait… you know?"

"Well, I don't really know, but it's kind of obvious, isn't it? I mean we can't really know, it's not like he's going to talk about it." Lily sat perfectly still and avoided eye contact. "Oh my god, do you know?"

She looked over at me and smiled nervously. "Know? Know what? What are we talking about?"

Marshall started coming back with our drinks. "Ok, I got one for each—"

"You know about Barney and Robin?" I hissed across the booth at Lily.

"—aaaand I think I left my change at the bar." Marshall immediately turned around and retreated.

I looked back at him in disbelief and turned back to Lily. "Marshall knows too?"

Lily dropped her head onto the table.

"Lily! How could you not tell me?"

She raised her head and winced. "I'm sorry! I promised I wouldn't say anything. Barney just needed some advice and he asked me, he was probably too scared about how you'd react to tell you."

"And Marshall?"

Lily waved the question off. "Oh come on Ted, you know you can't tell me anything."

I nodded and opened my mouth to reply when I felt a vibration in my pocket. "Hold on," I dug around for my phone.

"Back left," Marshall shouted from the bar.

I pulled out my phone and saluted. "Every time." I looked at the screen and shot a meaningful look at Lily as I opened it. "Hey Robin, how's the date?"

Lily leaned forward and Marshall ran back to his place in the booth.

"Oh, my god. Yea, of course, we'll be right there." I hung up the phone and looked up at the expectant Lily and Marshall. "Barney got in a fight. They're at the hospital."

----------

It wasn't the first time I'd gotten a call from the hospital on Barney's behalf. Yet it doesn't really matter how many times you get that call; it never loses its impact. And even though we all thought that Barney was asking for whatever happened to him that night, we hated to see something actually happen to him. Anyway, we got to the hospital with enough time to hear the story from Robin. Luckily, Barney wasn't in too bad a shape and we caught a cab back to my apartment.

"I know you've had a rough night, but do you really think you should mix scotch with the pain medication?" Lily counseled a very easy-going Barney as we walked into the apartment.

"After two cracked ribs and 30 stitches, yes, I think I can do, thank you," Barney retorted as he heaved himself onto the couch and then grabbed his side in anticipated pain. However, the scotch and morphine had numbed most of his body, and when the pain didn't come he smiled triumphantly and laid back. "See? No problemo."

"Thirty stitches?" Marshall laughed. "I thought it was only three."

"It was," Robin said, shaking her head at Barney as he curled up into a ball on the couch. "Hey, it was a bit of a bumpy car ride. I'm going to get some air." She smiled at us and left quietly.

Lily walked over to the couch and knelt down to examine Barney, who was already asleep. She touched the stitching on his temple and he flinched and snorted but didn't wake up. "Well, they did a good job of stitching him up. That guy really put his muscles to work on poor Barney."

"Yea, I hate to be saying this," Marshall started, "but I'm really glad Barney looked that guy up." He then looked at us nervously. "Just, you know, never tell a judge I said that."

I started alternating between looking at Barney and glancing at my feet.

Lily nodded. "It's a shame he got hurt, but I'd hate to think what would've happened if Robin didn't have a chance to reach her gun."

"I should have gone," I said suddenly, causing Lily and Marshall to both turn and look me. "I mean, Barney came by here before he went, asking me to go with him. What if I'd taken him seriously and gone? Barney was right, the guy was a jerk and he had all the evidence to prove it, but I still didn't feel the need to go after Robin the way he did." I sat heavily down in a chair and held my head in my hands. "I would've gone after that guy in a heartbeat a year ago, why not now? I let them both down." With that I dropped into the nearby chair and contented myself with staring at the ceiling.

Lily leaned forward and put her hand on my knee. I looked back down and she was giving me that smile that you just know she gives her kindergarteners when they wet themselves. "You didn't let anyone down, Ted."

Unsatisfied, I scoffed at her and sat up. "Then why didn't I go?"

Lily shrugged. "What Barney did was rash, passionate, and stupid. It's the kind of thing you do when you're in love. You just… don't have those feelings for Robin anymore."

I nodded and looked at Barney on the couch. "I know."

Marshall walked over and sat on the arm of the couch. "You guys have been broken up for awhile now. It's healthy that you're over it."

"Yea, I know, and I've been over her for awhile. I just always thought…" I shook my head. "It's stupid, but I always thought that when I loved someone that much, I'd never be able to stop." Truth be told, Readers, I knew that I didn't feel that way about Robin, but I never really realized it until I saw those feelings stirred up in Barney. I sat in thought for a few more seconds, took a long breath, and stood up. "Well, I'm going to go check on Robin, make sure she's ok."

Lily nodded. "Good idea. We'll get the useless lump here a blanket. It looks like he's not leaving the couch any time soon."

"That's fine, he deserves a good sleep," I said over my shoulder as I closed the door to the apartment behind me.

The roof was cold and I pulled my coat in tighter as the door opened to reveal the dark concrete expanse. I saw Robin standing nearby and I walked over to join her.

"Hey, you've had an exciting night, are you ok?" I put my hand on her back in what I hoped was a comforting gesture.

She turned to look at me and it was obvious that she had a lot on her mind. She nodded and looked back towards the city skyline.

I dropped my hand and watched her crossed arms tighten around her in the cold. "What are you thinking?" I asked, fearing the worst.

She sighed, looked down at her feet, and said nothing for some time. When she was done wandering in thought she looked up at me and asked, "Have you ever realized something about yourself and then felt like you didn't actually realize it but instead always kind of knew?"

I blinked at her and considered the question, opened my mouth a few times to respond but had nothing to say. "Um, well I… I'm sorry, but what?"

Robin laughed a little and nodded. "Yea, that didn't make much sense, did it?"

Relieved to see her smile, I laughed too. "Not even a little bit."

She gave me a fleeting smile and looked back at glowing New York. Another minute of silence passed. "I've just been thinking."

I nodded. "I noticed."

She let out another soft laugh and kicked my foot. "Quiet, jerk. I'm talking."

"I'm sorry, proceed."

"Well, I've been thinking about everything that's happened to me this year, and I realized that I should be much more of a let down than I am right now."

"What?" I looked at her and smiled. "What are you talking about? You're not a let down."

Robin nodded. "Right, but look at my own decisions: I quit my job at Metro News 1, almost went back to Metro News 1, I quit a great job offer I had in Tokyo, I almost got kicked out of the country because of being unemployed, and to top it all off, I went out with that jerk, I even went _home_ with him. I mean, what was I _thinking_?"

"Hey, come on, you're being hard on yourself. I mean, it all worked out in the end didn't it?"

"Yea, Ted, that's the problem."

She looked at me and I thought about what she could mean. Drawing a blank, I shrugged and shook my head. "Sorry, but you lost me again. Are you sure you didn't get hit in the head or anything?"

"No, I mean, the problem isn't that everything worked out, but that most of the time it wasn't because of me."

"Hey," I smiled and nudged her, "what are you talking about? You're the one who went out and got those jobs, it's not your fault they didn't work out."

Robin shook her head and turned away again. "I wouldn't have achieved half of what I've done here if it hadn't been for him. I may have done the actual work, but he's always been there, pushing me along, pulling strings for me, having me promise him I'll apply for jobs, and then applying for me when I lose my nerve. He's been there all along, ensuring that I would make something of myself, helping me recover from my own bad decisions. I don't know how I've never seen it before now."

There was a long silence and I tried to study her face for some kind of a clue as to what she was thinking, but I got nothing. "Robin, what are you talking about?"

She sighed and looked back at me. "I think I'm in love with Barney."


	3. Hit or Miss

A/N: I really cannot express how overwhelmed and honored I've been by so many of the comments I've received. I've been incredibly busy lately and while I always wanted to work on this, the time just wasn't there until, well, today. I sat down and wrote this in about 4 hours, partly to get it out of my head, but also because your wonderful words kept the words coming to me. Thank you all. Sorry about the long, unexpected hiatus and I hope you all enjoy.

Readers, love is a funny thing: it comes and goes to its own liking and there's often no warning about when it'll disappear or reappear next. Like the stories of the bow and arrow toting Cupid, it lurks in the shadows and can catch anyone unawares with the simple flick of a string. Love also believes itself to have a sense of humor, though it may not always be a good idea to show that you get the joke.

Unfortunately, I didn't know this last rule. So when Robin said "I think I may be in love with Barney", I laughed. Almost instantly realizing my mistake, I looked over at the glowering Robin.

"You're laughing? Seriously?"

I straightened and attempted to defend myself. "Well, I mean… I wasn't…" I cautioned another look at Robin and she raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Come on, you have to admit it's kind of funny."

She crossed her arms. "I don't get the joke."

I laughed again and punched her arm. Her expression intensified. "Sorry. But don't you find it a little ironic that you're so against relationships and yet here both of you are—"

Robin straightened. "Both? What do you mean by 'both of us'?"

I stopped mid-gesture and thought about my situation and the likeliness of getting out of it alive. Weighing my options, I decided to go with a minor change of subject. "I mean Barney? Really? The guy's a womanizer, what do you see in him anyway?"

"I don't know," Robin said as she looked back towards New York. Deflection success. "He's really more than just some womanizer, you know that. I mean, just remember what I said earlier, about all my mistakes. Quitting my job, almost going back to my job, going home with a jerk. I look back at to those bad decisions now and do you know what I suddenly see?"

"That your parents dropped the ball in the Decision Making lessons?" I winced, realizing I probably shouldn't poke the tiger right now.

Robin thankfully laughed and shrugged. "Well that, but also that after every bad decision, Barney's been there to help me through it. I know you guys have, too, but he's actually made each bad decision better. He told me not to go back to my demeaning job, he helped me find a new one so I wouldn't get deported, I wouldn't even be here right now if it weren't for him. I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like him before in my life."

"That can be a good thing, you know." Why do I even speak? I mean really.

Robin looked back at me and shook her head. "You don't think that, though. You're all playing the game that he's some kind of plague on society, but you know he isn't."

"Ok, you're right, I'm sorry," I replied. "I don't really know why I'm being a jerk about this. I guess I don't want either of you to get hurt." I smiled at her.

She returned a dangerous smile that had more going on in the background that you usually wanted to know about. "Either of us?" She questioned me. "Who says Barney would get hurt?"

I cleared my throat and shrugged. "Well you, mainly, I was just trying to act like I—listen, I'm going to head back down, are you coming?" If the deflection worked once, maybe it'll work again.

Robin studied me for a few uncomfortable seconds and finally shook her head. "No, I hear there's going to be a meteor shower tonight. I think I'll stay up for it."

This news alarmed me. "There is? Are you sure? Because if I remember correctly according to my expaydia, there's not another shower for—"

"Leave, Ted."

"Yea, right, sorry," I turned awkwardly to go. "I'll just, I'll leave the door open so you can," Wow, that door off the roof was further away than I remembered. "Barney's on the couch, he's a little doped on morphine but he won't, yea, sorry about, um, goodnight."

----------

Marshall and Lily had already left the apartment by the time I'd made it downstairs, so it wasn't until the next evening at McLaren's that I shared with them the breaking news.

"No, are you sure?" Lily gasped as she bent over the table to hear my story.

"Yes, Lily, I'm sure."

"Have you seen them? Has she told him?" Lily hiccupped.

"No, they were both gone by the time I got up in the morning. I haven't seen them all day."

"Well maybe it's just a temporary thing," Marshall offered. "I mean, you know how much she loves guys who get into fights."

Lily had reclined to think about it and was now shaking her head. "No, she would've been all over Barney if it was just the fight thing. Maybe she really means it."

Marshall turned back to Lily and laugh. "It would've been a bit hard to be all over him, he was a little drugged up."

"I think Lily's right," I cut in. "I mean, she sounded really collected about it. Like she'd put a lot of thought into it and had made an informed decision."

"Ted, we're talking about love, not buying a new car," Marshall responded. "What I'm saying is that she had a rough night last night and we shouldn't read too much into this."

And at this moment, Robin walked in and sat next to me. "Hey guys, what are we talking about?"

"Nothing."

"Marshall."

"Sasquatch."

We all looked at each other in silence, hoping the fact that we replied at the same time would outweigh what we actually said.

Robin scoffed and looked at me. "You told them?"

I tried to smile back at her. "Told them… what?" She raised her eyebrows at me in response. "Ok yes, I told them, but it's only because I think they can help."

"I don't need your help, Ted. God, this is so embarrassing."

"No, it's not," Lily said with a much more successful reassuring smile. "None of us judge you for it."

Robin looked at each of us questioningly for a moment. "You don't?"

Lily shook her head and laughed. "No! In fact, we think it kinda makes sense."

Robin leaned forward. "Yea?"

Marshall smiled. "Yea, you two could be the next, well, me and Lily."

At this it was Robin's turn to laugh awkwardly. "Wow, Marshall, that's really sweet but, um, I don't know if I agree with that."

"Well, not exactly like us, but I mean you could be the next happy couple," Lily offered.

"Ok, I never said I wanted to be in a couple." Robin's smile faded. "In fact, I never said I was happy about it either."

"But Robin, you're in love. I would give anything to feel that way about someone," I argued.

"Yea, _you_ would, because you're… well, Ted. But I'm not as thrilled."

"Why not?" Lily asked.

Robin shook her head. "I don't know. I'm young, my life's going pretty well, I can finally start doing more of the things I want to do, and I being in love just doesn't fit with my schedule. Yea, ok, I'm a little selfish right now, but I'm at a point in my life where as long as I'm single, that's ok. I don't want to mess that up by having gross lovey feelings for someone or being in a relationship."

Lily threw her hands up in the air in frustration. "Wow, you two really are perfect for each other."

"Wait, what does that mean?"

"Hey guys, what are we talking about?" Barney asked as he walked up to the booth.

"Marriage."

"Sandcastles."

"Marshall."

"Nessie."

Barney stopped at the booth and stood staring at us for a few moments in confusion. Again in unison, Marshall and I remembered we had yet to get the drinks and stood up to go to the bar.

Barney looked like he was about to comment and then noticed something else that spiked his curiosity. "Marshall, why are you limping?"

Marshall and Lily exchanged a meaningful look and Marshall straightened. "Well, Barney, as a matter of fact,"

"He stubbed his toe," Lily cut in.

"Yea, and then you stepped on it!" Marshall stopped on his quest to the bar to respond to Lily. I rolled my eyes and continued to the bar while Barney slid into the booth next to Robin, who quickly adjusted her hair.

"You're exaggerating it anyway. You're only limping to get attention." Lily countered.

Marshall was taken aback. "Why does no one ever believe it when someone has a foot injury? I'm telling you, Lily, my toe is broken and it's because you stepped on it."

"Marshall—!"

"No, Marshall's got a point," Barney cut in, shaking his finger in thought. I returned with the drinks and Marshall and I sat back down. "It's always difficult for one to accept an injury done to the foot or ankle region. I call it Pedestrianepticism."

I tilted my head as I sounded it out.. "What?"

"Pedestrian and skepticism. It's a name in progress. The point is that while a broken arm or finger is easy to believe, someone breaking their ankle or toe is often ignored by everyone until the x-ray results come back. Case in point: my 10th birthday. I was a promising young boy with the looks and the charm to go the distance. I, like any true winner, wanted to have a Batman themed party, complete with Batman plates, a working light-up Batman signal, and free lessons in flying being held on the roof."

Lily laughed. "Wow, Barney, I knew your mom wasn't always totally there, but she actually let you teach flying on the roof?"

"No, my mother passed out in the first 20 minutes after drinking too much homemade Batman punch, the flying lessons were my own brilliant invention. So I gathered everyone on the roof and decided to give them a demonstration. You know, to show them how a real pro goes about flying. So I ran off the roof."

Robin gasped and put her hand on Barney's arm. "What happened?"

Barney glanced at the hand, smirked, and straightened. "What do you think happened? I flew."

Marshall shook his head. "Come on Barney, we all know the only people who can fly are the real Batman, Peter Pan, and Jedi Knights. You couldn't have possibly flown."

"Oh, but I did. I flew straight into the deck below and broke my foot." Everyone winced. "I told everyone it was broken, but did they believe me? No. I had to walk on that broken foot for 3 years before I had a check up and the doctor gave me an x-ray. 3 years!"

"That's not possible," Marshall said. "You couldn't have walked on something that painful for so long."

Barney laughed and adjusted his tie. "Oh, Marshall, when will you learn that with me, anything's possimpible." Barney took a drink. "Also, it was 3 days, as I've know remembered, but the point is still clear."

"Marshall," Lily started nervously, "maybe he's right. I mean, you remember that time you broke your ankle when you were camping with your family and no one believed you? They made you walk on it for a week before they finally took you in."

"No, my dad knew it was broken. He just wanted the pain of it to cleanse the weakness from my body." And then Marshall took a drink. "Man, I should really send that guy an ecard."

Lily stared at Marshall for a few more seconds and nodded, having made a personal decision. "Alright, Marshall, let's go," she said as she stood up and started pulling at him to follow.

"Go? Go where?" Marshall protested as he held onto his drink.

"To the hospital. We're getting you an x-ray."

Marshall stood up. "Well it's about time!" He winked at Barney who raised his glass.

"Yea, I think I'm going to follow you guys out," I said as I stood up from my chair. "I've got a proposal I have to present tomorrow and I want to go over it."

We all said our goodbyes to Robin and Barney and walked out the door. Barney slid over to the opposite side of the booth with his glass. "So how was your day, Sherbatsky?"

"Oh my day was, you know," she stopped and looked around the bar.

Barney gave her a confused expression. "Alright…"

Robin looked back at Barney. This is what she didn't like about love: it made things awkward. She sighed and smiled. "So, Jack called."

Barney's grip on his glass reached dangerous levels. "What? I'll kill him. What did he want? His ass handed to him again, huh? Didn't have enough of Barney Stinson the first time did he?"

Robin started laughing. "No, I'm sorry, he didn't call. I just wanted to see what your reaction would be."

Barney relaxed and deflated a little. "Oh. Still, I would've shown him."

"Like you 'showed him' last night?"

"Hey, I was just getting warmed up. If you had waited a few more minutes I would've really been wailing on him." Barney did a few punches in the air.

Robin laughed again. "Yea, maybe, but I figured I valued your consciousness over your pride."

Barney smiled. "Really? That's sweet."

They smiled at each other and then looked around. Robin thought of something of interest, started to get an idea, and laughed. Barney put down his drink and swallowed. "What?"

Robin kept laughing quietly and shook her head. "Nothing, it's a dumb idea."

Barney laughed along. "Come on, what?"

Robin looked at him with a smile and nodded. "Ok, I've got an idea for a game."

"Is it anything like extreme battleship, because you know I'm going to win at that."

Robin shook her head. "No, it's not that. It's a proposition. A challenge. Something to weigh up our skills, because the night is young and I'm bored."

Barney raised an eyebrow. "I'm listening."

"It's a race to the number. You pick a guy for me, I pick a girl for you, whoever can get a number first wins."

Barney laughed. "Robin, this is child's play. Do you know how many numbers I get a night? You wouldn't stand a chance."

"The number has to be real."

"In that case, you're on. What's the prize?"

"I don't know, how about… the last one to get a number has to buy the other dinner."

Barney nodded. "A small prize for a small win, but I say we raise the stakes."

Robin leaned over the table. "Oh? To what?"

"Dinner for a number, but whoever can get an invitation home gets a wild card."

"What's a wild card?"

"It's wild, that's the point. It can be whatever the winner chooses."

"Like…?"

Barney shrugged. "Like $100, like laundry done for a week, like a night with the loser, like whatever he or she wants." He nodded to Robin, daring her to accept.

Robin smiled and extended her hand. "Challenge accepted." And they shook on it. "Alright, so pick a guy for me; I've already got a girl for you."

"Yea, who?" Barney asked and Robin pointed over to a blonde standing by the jukebox.

"Ouch, blonde with boots, booze and boobs, nice eye."

Robin beamed. "Thank you."

Barney looked around the bar and motioned to someone standing by the door. "Ok, that guy."

Robin looked over to see the nerd adjusting his glasses. "Ew, not that guy."

"What? He looks like a perfectly pleasant conversationalist."

"You can see his pocket protector from here. How about that guy?" Robin gestured over to a jock standing at the bar.

Barney looked him up and down and shook his head. "Too much muscle."

Robin scoffed. "Well that girl has way too much boob, but you don't hear me complaining."

Barney blinked and gave Robin another confused expression. "I understand 'too much', and I know the word 'boob', but when you put them together, it's just jibberish." Robin crossed her arms. "Ok fine, but if he turns out to be a jerk, just know I'm not beating another guy up for you again."

"You didn't beat a guy up for me in the first place." Robin said with a grin.

"Low blow, Sherbatsky! I was going to let you win, but now it's on." Barney downed the last of his scotch, nodded at Robin, and got up to plan his approach to the blondie at the jukebox.

For the next few minutes, they both worked their chosen 'dates', neither one striking out but neither one all that into it, either. While listening all about the great sport of baseball, Robin looked over at how Barney was doing with the girl. He was giving her the coy treatment and she was eating it up. Robin sighed and looked back at her guy, who hadn't noticed a thing. After the ninth minute of his 45 minute long lecture on the pros and cons of touch football versus flag football, Robin cut in.

"Hey, sorry, give me just a minute, I've remembered I have to touch base with someone." She smiled.

The guy nodded. "Oh yea sure, go ahead."

Robin walked outside and pulled out her phone. A few seconds later, Barney's phone started to ring. He held up a hand to pause the girl he was flirting with and looked down. "Just a sec," he said as he flipped open the phone. "Go for Barney."

"Hey there gorgeous, how's blondie doing?"

"Hey mom, how are you?" The girl standing next to Barney 'aww'ed and Barney smiled. He put a hand almost over the mouth of the phone. "It's my mom, she calls when she gets lonely. It'll just be a minute."

"The momma's boy angle, huh? That doesn't look too promising, you know. She probably won't be into half the stuff I could do to you."

"Yes, I remember your story about Fluffy. I hope he didn't wake you up again last night!"

"Or half the stuff my guy would be willing to do to me tonight, that's for sure. Did you know that he can bench 200 'kilowatts'? I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I'm sure I can find a position it'll be useful for."

Barney laughed a very constrictive sounding laugh. "No, I don't think he has feline leukemia, he's just a little lazy in the spring time."

"I'm trying to think of what I want my wild card to be. You know, you'd be the second guy to give me a wild card tonight, because this guy's begging to give me one, too."

Barney squeaked. "Love you too, mom. I'll talk to you tonight."

Robin smiled and hung up. She adjusted her dress and walked back into the bar and up to her guy. She threw a glance at Barney, who was still holding his phone to his ear as he watched her enter.

"Are you ok?" the blonde asked with concern as she put her arm on Barney's shoulder.

Barney blinked and smiled. "Yea, why wouldn't I be?"

"You just sounded so tense on the phone." She said as she started rubbing Barney's shoulder.

Barney nodded. "Yea, it's just… my mother's relationship with her cat is very… moving."

"Oh that's so sweet!"

"Fluffy just had an appointment with the Vet today. He has feline leukemia." The girl gasped. "I know I should tell my mother, but," Barney lowered his head and wiped a tear away that wasn't there. "I just can't stand to hurt her any more than her own leukemia already has."

"Wow. They both have feline leukemia? That's so beautiful."

Barney, knowing instinctually that he'd struck gold with this bimbo, looked up to see Robin flirting with her stranger. She was crossing her legs and leaning over the bar: a good move. Shows off the legs and the cleavage. If this guy knows anything, he'll ask her out in the next 5 seconds. Barney sighed, turned back to his bimbo, and nodded sadly. "Yes, it's tragic."

Robin smiled and nodded as the guy opposite her started going into his next field of interest: miniature soldiers.

"So, you collect toy soldiers? That must be fun, I'd love to see _that_ collection."

"They're not toys they're miniatures, and I don't just collect them, I make them and paint them, it's a very precise art."

"Ah." Robin said and she drifted off again as he went into further detail. She felt her phone ring and looked down to see the number. She smiled at her stranger and apologized. "Sorry, just a second." She accepted the call. "Hello?"

"You look so hot in that dress that I'm pretty sure you would be arrested in at least 9 of the 15 and a half bible belt states."

Robin stared at the empty space next to the jukebox that used to be Barney and smiled. "Hey, Vicki, long time no see, how are you?" she responded in an especially lusty voice.

"Slightly lesbian angle. Very nice. Torturous for him and me. You're a sly one."

Robin laughed. "No, I miss _you_ more, sexy. Are you coming by the bar tonight?"

"Well, I was just calling to tell you that I have a number. I had to come out here and check on my poor dying mother and then I'm going back to get an invite to this closet-kinky girl's place. I hope things are going well with Mr. 200 Kilowatts over there."

"Vicki! Not now, I'm in public." Robin giggled.

"Sorry, I couldn't contain myself. I'll go take my urges out on a random blonde and let you be."

Robin hung up and turned back to Mr. 200 Kilowatts, who had stopped staring at himself in the bar mirror to stare at Robin. She shrugged and smiled. "Sorry, that was an old… friend."

Another 15 minutes passed and the game continued. Once again, Robin remembered a call she had to make to another old 'friend' Trisha and made her way outside. This time Barney saw her start and suddenly remembered he had to call Fluffy's groomer to set up a meeting. Robin stood outside and stared at her phone and was surprised to hear a ringtone behind her after pushing 'send'. She turned around to see Barney opening his phone.

"Hello?" He grinned.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was trying to reach an unusually attractive guy in a suit. I must've dialed the wrong number." Robin grinned back.

That's when Barney finally snapped, and before Robin knew it she was stuck between the wall of McLaren's and the suit of Barney Stinson, who was currently running his tongue along her top molars. They remained in this position for longer than I'd care to say, and they eventually reemerged for breath.

Amidst her struggle for breath, Robin managed to laugh. "So, I guess you forfeit the challenge?"

Barney leaned to the side and looked in through the window. "It looks like the challenge has finished itself."

Robin turned to look and saw that Barney's blonde was sucking face with her jock. She laughed and turned back to Barney. "Well, I guess you won then."

"Yea, and he lost. Suck on that!" Barney yelled at the window.

"No, I mean you got her number, right? So you're the highest scorer."

"Oh, right." Barney winced. "Actually, that was a lie, I was just trying to trip you up."

Robin gasped. "Barney Stinson! Cheating at a game, how could you? So I guess no one got a wild card, huh?"

Barney raised an eyebrow at Robin. "I don't know, the night's young." Robin grinned and Barney felt his confidence rise. "So, you want to come back to my place and play some Extreme Battleship, my rules?"

He looked at Robin hopefully and a few seconds of thought later she smiled and nodded. "As long as I can win this one."

Barney squeaked again and turned towards the street to hail a taxi.

Now, Readers, I don't usually like to go into this part of any story, but I guess you're all old enough now to know, well, how the world works, and in this situation it's an important to know the whole truth. Robin and Barney went to Barney's apartment to, shall we say, play extreme Battleship. The way I've heard it told was Robin was, shall we say, letting Barney get hits on her battleships all over the place, and just when it was getting heated and Barney was about to find the last hit on Robin's horizontally placed air carrier, this happened.

"Sherbatsky, I love you!"

"What?!" Robin exclaimed. The game of battleship ended immediately in a stalemate and Barney was pushed off as Robin sat up.

Barney blinked for a few minutes, unable to make the connections of what had just happened. Then he realized. By this time, Robin was gathering her things and redressing. "Aaaaaah, no, Robin, I'm sorry, wait."

Robin went in search for her shoes. She spotted one on top of the porn bookcase and stood on her toes to get it.

"Don't leave I, I didn't mean it," Barney winced as he said it. "I just, forgot who I was talking to. I lie about that all the time that I, um, don't even know when I'm saying it…" For the first time since his self-transformation, Barney felt the pangs of self-hatred. But he hated seeing Robin pulling her shoe out from the remains of his broken lamp more. "Really, I was just so into that I… forgot where I was."

Robin stood up straight, her clothes and possessions back in tact, and looked at Barney, who looked like a kicked puppy. "Barney, it's not…" She sighed and shook her head. "I have to go." She turned and walked out the door.

Barney let out a yell and punched the wall. After a few minutes of self-pity, he realized what he had to do. He put himself back together and made a phone call.

An hour later there was a knock on his door. He absentmindedly opened it as he walked to the couch and sat down.

"Barney, we're really going to have to stop these middle of the night 'You have to come over now' phone calls, I'm getting too old for this stuff."

"Hi, Lily."

"Don't you 'Hi, Lily' me," Lily responded in her best mom voice. "I want you to explain why I had to take a cab here at one in the morning and explain it now!"

Barney winced. "I messed it all up."

"You messed what all up?"

Barney jumped off the couch and started pacing. "Robin! I messed things up with Robin! Now she's never going to talk to me again."

Lily dropped her purse and walked over with concern. "Why? What did you do?"

Barney shook his head. "I told her I loved her."

A few seconds of silence passed. Then Lily burst out laughing. "Barney, that's exactly what you were supposed to do!"

"Well it obviously wasn't because she stormed out of here!"

Lily's smile disappeared. "She did?"

"Yes!"

"Well that's weird."

Barney looked at Lily. "Why? She obviously doesn't feel anything like that for me."

Lily shook her head and stepped forward to put a reassuring hand on Barney's arm and guide him back to sitting on the couch. "That's probably not true."

"How do you know?"

"I just… look, I think there's something else upsetting her."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, maybe it's how much you're messing around?"

Barney stood back up and walked a few feet away. "It always comes back to that with you."

"Well, if you're going to be in love with Robin, then it's a problem!"

"No, Lily, it isn't. I love Robin, I really do. But you know what else I love? The world. And do you know whom the world deserves? Barney Stinson: maker of awesome. And that Barney Stinson does what he wants, and if messing around is one of them, then so be it."

Lily stood up in frustration. "If either of you ever gets over how selfish you are, you'd make a really great couple."

Barney threw his hands up in the air. "Again with the couple! You're not getting it!"

Lily crossed her arms. "Obviously, I'm not."

Barney looked at Lily and sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I know you're just trying to help, and you drove all the way out here to help me get my worthless self out of my own messed up situation. I appreciate it, I really do, but… I'm not Marshall. And Robin's not you. And I really appreciate your advice, but I can't do it your way anymore." Barney grabbed his coat and headed for the door.

Lily turned to as he walked off. "Wait, that's it? Where are you going?"

Barney turned back to Lily when he was at the door and put on his coat. He shrugged. "I'm going my own way. Thanks for leading me this far, Lily, I can take it from here."

He turned and walked out, leaving a very confused Lily in his apartment. Aggravated, she said a few choice words and kicked at the air a few times. She then relaxed and looked at the giant plasma television on the wall in front of her. She shrugged, sat on the couch, and flipped it on.

There was a knock on the door of Robin and Ted's apartment. Robin had been sitting on the couch staring at nothing for awhile now, so she was closest to the door. She opened it to find the man whose apartment she'd stormed out of earlier that evening.

"Before you leave for slam the door!" Barney started as soon as the door was opening. "Just hear me out." Robin looked at him expectantly and Barney's mind shifted gears. This was really it. Well, no turning back now.

"Robin, I love you." Robin looked away and Barney winced. "I'm sorry, I know that's probably something you don't want to hear, but it's the truth. I didn't forget where I was earlier or who I was with, I knew exactly what was happening and I just couldn't lie another second. I love you so much that sometimes it's actually physically painful. I love the things you say, love the clothes you wear, love the jokes you make, I'm even starting to love that you're Canadian, and that terrifies me even more than all this terrifies you, I can guarantee it." Barney thought he saw a hint of a smile on Robin's lips but it quickly faded.

"But I also know that you're smart, funny, beautiful, the whole package, and you've got so much ahead of you and that I have no business being here on your front door step. I lie, I mess around, I'll probably be arrested and thrown into a Turkish prison some day, I'm not the kind of guy who would ever even have a chance with you. So please, live your life, do who and what you want, don't answer to anyone, you're your own woman. At this point, all I want from you is, I don't know, 5 minutes from your day. If I could just be lucky enough to see you for 5 minutes everyday it'll be more than I've ever deserved and I'll be happy. If I can have that and one day your forgiveness for all of this, I'll be ecstatic." Barney sighed, looked down at his feet, and back up at Robin. "You're the perfect woman. You can slam the door in my face now."

And with that he turned and walked down the hallway. After a few steps, the gravity of what he just did sunk in and he felt like he'd had another punch in the ribs. He felt liberated, exhilarated, but mostly depressed and terrified. He reached the end of his slow walk down the hallway and thought all about how he was about to descend the stairs and drink himself dumb alone in his own apartment. He felt so lonely right then that was actually starting to hallucinate, thinking he heard footsteps running behind him.

Suddenly, Barney found himself between the wall of the apartment hallway and the dress of Robin Sherbatsky, whose tongue was seeking retribution for the earlier sinking of a battleship. As quickly as it attacked, Robin's tongue retreated, and Barney opened his eyes slowly to see the face of the most beautiful woman in the world mere inches away from his own.

"I love you, too," the face said.

Barney's eyes widened and he took in a breath to say something, but Robin put her hand up to stop him.

"Just, don't get all mushy about it. I believe we were playing a game of battleship?"

Barney grinned and pulled her closer. "Oh, Sherbatsky. I knew what I was doing, falling for you."

Robin grinned back. "Hit."

And that's the story of how Barney and Robin found love. And why I can't play Battleship anymore. It just feels so… dirty…


End file.
